Men and Women not alike

News Bulletin: Men and Women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have
conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the
following topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a
semi-regular basis.

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
to the girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just
want you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you,
and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know
there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love
You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.
There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.

The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's"
with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a
lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The
Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to
the10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL
be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
putting on her makeup...

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her
dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet
are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any
time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
"Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
Garagiola's head...

GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in
garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things
in garages.

MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses
Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae
Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Anymore
than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature
and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.

LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop
and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there, "
and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George
Custurd

RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works out at the health club and dates only married women

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard
Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.

CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography
classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking
shots.

POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do
political things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is
growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to
campaign for them and cry on election night.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in
abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

CHEERLEADERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

Male cheerleaders are scary.

GYM SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles,
have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples
of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on
command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
least six "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days
later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other
names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk, " women eschew the use of
nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Peckerhead, Dickbreath, and Scumbag.