Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

DINING OUT
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1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the
vine.
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2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.
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ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
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1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at
the table... no matter how good his manners are.
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PERSONAL HYGIENE
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1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
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2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a
waste of good money.
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3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the
taste of finger foods.
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DATING (Outside the Family)
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1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
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2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."
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3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If
the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to
get her to school on time.
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THEATER ETIQUETTE
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1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
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2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear you.
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WEDDINGS
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1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
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2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you
shot.
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3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with
a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.
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4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for
this special occasion.
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DRIVING ETIQUETTE
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1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the
gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
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2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
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3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
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4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it
is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
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5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
when driving.
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6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.
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TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
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1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
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2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at
them.
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3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
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4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
sheets.
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5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the
funeral home.