Axis of Evil Wannabes

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis
of Evil," Libya, China,and Syria today announced they
had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which
they said would be more evil than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in
his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed
the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb
name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their
dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being
evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over
being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if
they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President
Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three
countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam
Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In
World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the
evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a
secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil
declaration was swift, as within minutes, France
surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed
to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of
geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis
of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda
and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while
Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis
of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally
Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the
desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El
Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be
Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of
Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have
Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland,
New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of
Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear
Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just
something we like to do," said Scottish Executive
First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world
weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush
granted approval for most axis, although he rejected
the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names
End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a
false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay,
and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any
Axis, but privately, leaders said that's only because
no one asked them.