Personal Ads

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets,
meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must
be able to keep a secret.

Mormon male looking for one or more females for a
long-term relationship. Must have childbearing hips
and be willing to give birth to at least four
children. Catholics need not apply.

Single, unemployed female with several children out of
wedlock is looking for a sugar daddy to support my
children and me. Skills include nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear
plugs included. No experience necessary.

Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing.
If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary
of long expeditions, don't apply.

Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult;
orders submissive, obedient followers to worship and
praise my every move. No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for
quarterback to bring his helmet, pads, and offensive
line to bed. First and ten! Do it again!